史蒂夫·哈维脱口秀- 最喜欢的两个片段与爱人最难忘的时刻

摘要：(upbeat brass music) - Hey, handsome!

- Please welcome the chick of my dreams, my wife Marjorie.

欢迎我梦想中的女孩，我的妻子玛乔里。

(audience cheers) (upbeat brass music) - Hey, handsome!

（观众欢呼）（轻快的铜管乐） - 嘿，帅哥！

Woo hoo!

呜呼！

- What's up girl?

最近怎么样，女孩？

- I'm good.

我很好。

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

我很好，我很好，我很好。

- I can't believe this girl right here.

我不敢相信眼前这个女孩。

- Look at me over there with some sexy legs.

- 瞧我这双性感美腿。

Yeah.

是的。

(Steve talking indistinctly) Uh huh!

（史蒂夫含糊不清地说着）嗯哼！

- Yeah.

-是的。

Yeah.

是的。

If I get my stomach to look like my legs, we'd be on to something.

如果我的腹部能像腿部那样，那我们就真找到窍门了。

- [Marjorie] I like it!

- [玛乔里] 我喜欢！

- We're gonna take some questions in a minute but what would you say, what's been the key to our success?

- 我们一会儿会回答一些问题，但你觉得，我们成功的秘诀是什么？

- The fact that you respect me and I respect you, you know?

- 你知道吗，你尊重我，我也尊重你，这一点很重要。

- Yeah.

-是的。

(audience claps) - Over everything.

（观众鼓掌）——无所不在。

- I mean, you know, it's been, I think what happened to me and Marjorie was we got together at a point in our life where we had both failed at this miserably, and it just wasn't, failure wasn't an option anymore.

我的意思是，你知道，我和玛乔里的事是这样的：我们在一起的时候，双方都在生活中经历了惨痛的失败，而那时失败已不再是一种选择。

But when you get it, sometimes you gotta get it wrong to get it right.

但有时候，要想做对，你得先经历错误。

- Well, once you get it wrong, you learn from it.

- 嗯，一旦你犯了错，你就会从中吸取教训。

You apply what you learn, you move on.

你把学到的东西应用起来，然后继续前进。

You move on.

你会继续前进。

- Okay, so we got some people here, a couple here who want some help.

- 好的，所以我们这里有一些人，一对夫妻想要一些帮助。

Where is Floyd and Trece?

弗洛伊德和特雷斯在哪里？

- Hi!

-你好！

(audience claps) - Alright, so what's going on, Trece?

（观众鼓掌）—— 好了，特雷斯，怎么回事？

- Hey, Steve.

嘿，史蒂夫。

Hey, Marjorie.

嘿，Marjorie。

- Hi, how are you?

你好，你好吗？

- Okay, so me and this handsome thang been together for two and a half years now.

好的，我和这位帅哥已经在一起两年半了。

About two and a half weeks ago we decided to pack up and moved from Cleveland, Ohio to Los Angeles, you know, to follow our dreams.

大约两周半前，我们决定收拾行囊，从俄亥俄州的克利夫兰搬到洛杉矶，你知道的，为了追逐我们的梦想。

It was hard because, you know, leaving my family, my friends, my job, everything, you know, it could be a lot.

离开我的家人、朋友、工作，所有的一切，你知道，这可能会很艰难。

But overall I love him.

但总体来说我爱他。

You know, that's my baby.

你知道，那是我的宝贝。

Yeah.

是的。

So, in the end, I do want a long-term commitment.

所以，最终我还是想要一个长期的承诺。

It may not be today or tomorrow or this week or this year, but I'm keeping hope alive making sure our relationship is doing good and you know, we're following our dreams.

可能不是今天、明天、这周或今年，但我保持着希望，确保我们的关系良好，你知道的，我们正追随自己的梦想。

But Marjorie, for you, when you first started dating Mr. Harvey, how did you know that he was in it for the long run?

但玛乔里，当你刚开始和哈维先生约会时，你是怎么知道他会和你长久走下去的呢？

- Okay, hold on.

- 好的，稍等。

Before you answer that, let me hear from Floyd.

在你回答之前，让我先听听弗洛伊德的意见。

Floyd, what's going on.

弗洛伊德，怎么了。

- So my thing right now is that I'm super duper scared, you know what I'm saying?

- 所以我现在特别特别害怕，你懂我的意思吧？

I'm 22 years old and I love her.

我22岁，我爱她。

I love her to death.

我深爱着她。

I believe that she's my soulmate.

我相信她是我的灵魂伴侣。

But there's something like deep down in this little thing right here, and I think it's fear.

但在这小东西的深处，我觉得是恐惧在作祟。

So my question to you, Steve, is how did you know when you were ready to commit to the woman of your dreams?

所以，史蒂夫，我想问你的是，你是如何知道自己准备好向梦中情人许下承诺的？

- Marjorie, you wanna start?

玛乔里，你先来吧？

- Okay, well first off, let me just say this.

好的，首先让我说一句。

You have to trust yourself.

你必须相信自己。

As far as when Steve and I got together, he had a whole 'nother idea of what he was planning on doing after his divorce.

至于史蒂夫和我在一起的时候，他对于离婚后打算做什么有着完全不同的想法。

He was planning on having an arrival and departure schedule on his door, and when you got there, you signed in, you saw what time you got there, and then the next one, she leave, and then the next one come in.

他打算在门上放一个到访和离开的时间表，当你到达时，你在上面签到，看到你到达的时间，然后下一个人离开，再下一个人进来。

And I said, "well, that's fine!" - Yeah, okay!

我说：“好吧，那挺好的”！- 好吧，行了！

- That's fine.

- 那很好。

- Yeah, that's what I was going to do.

- 是的，那正是我想做的。

- [Marjorie] But my name gonna be on that list.

- [玛乔里] 但是我的名字会出现在那个名单上的。

- Right.

-右。

- So it's one of those things.

这是其中之一。

Once you know what you want and if he wants you, then he knows what it's gonna take for you.

一旦你明确了自己的需求，并且他也对你有意，那么他就应该明白需要付出什么来赢得你的心。

- And that's what I call a very soft threat.

这就是我所说的非常温和的威胁。

That ultimatum was 'cause what actually happened was she was in my place in New York, my phone rang while she was over there asleep on the couch and the phone rang and it was a girl, and I'm over there against the window at my desk talking, but I hung up.

那个最后通牒是因为实际上发生了这样的事：她在我纽约的住处，当时她正在那儿在沙发上睡着，我的电话响了，电话是一个女孩打来的，而我则在窗边我的书桌旁说话，但我挂断了电话。

I didn't know she heard it.

我不知道她听到了。

So I fell asleep, and then I heard some noise in the hallway about three o'clock in the morning and it was heard with her coat on and her bags packed and she was rolling them up the hallway and I went in there, I said, "hey, what's happening?" She said, "I'm going home.

于是我睡着了，凌晨三点左右听到走廊里有动静，只见她穿着外套、收拾好行李，正推着行李箱往走廊上走。我走过去问：“嘿，发生什么事了？” 她说：“我要回家。 ”

When you ready for something special and real, you come get me." - Yes.

“当你准备好迎接特别而真实的事物时，就来找我。”——“好的。”

I'm still available.

我还在 availability 状态。

- [Trece] Yes!

- [特雷斯] 是的！

Exactly!

完全！

(audience claps) - So I had a flip phone back then.

（观众鼓掌）- 所以我那时候用的还是翻盖手机。

What'd I do with the flip phone?

我把翻盖手机怎么了？

- Broke it.

- 搞砸了。

You threw it.

你扔的。

Woo!

追求！

- I took that phone.

- 我接过了那部电话。

I snapped that phone in half at three o'clock in the morning.

凌晨三点，我气得把手机掰成了两半。

Threw it on the ground, put it in the trash.

把它扔在地上，丢进垃圾桶。

But see, Floyd, let me say this to you.

弗洛伊德，让我告诉你这一点。

You kind of got yourself in a tough spot.

你有点让自己陷入困境了。

She gave up everything to move out here with you.

她为了和你在一起，放弃了一切搬到这里。

Family, friends, comfort.

家人、朋友、舒适。

Fellas, you gotta stop taking women all the way up to the door, 'cause they gonna wanna know where the rest of it at.

伙计们，你们不能只把女人送到门口就停下，因为她们会想知道剩下的部分在哪里。

And now you scared to death 'cause you 22.

而现在你吓得要命，因为你才22岁。

- Mm hmm.

- 嗯哼。

Yep.

是的。

- [Marjorie] But she right- - [Trece] I'm 22 too!

- [玛乔里] 但是她说得对—— - [特雷斯] 我也才22岁！

- She came all the way to LA.

她不远万里来到洛杉矶。

She came all way to LA.

她不远千里来到洛杉矶。

- That's very true.

- 确实如此。

- You know, it's been a lot of things like, you know, negative things that's been trying to hold us back.

你知道，有很多负面的事情一直在试图阻碍我们。

But we pray every day, you know, we read the Bible every day, you know, we wanna be better, like losing our stuff on the way here, 'cause we drove here, we lost like everything.

但我们每天都祈祷，你知道的，我们每天都会读圣经，我们希望变得更好，就像来这里的路上丢失了东西，因为我们开车来的，几乎所有东西都丢了。

So like, you know- - [Steve] Lost the stuff?

所以，你知道的——[史蒂夫] 弄丢了那些东西？

- Yeah, all our clothes.

- 是的，我们所有的衣服。

- We lost the top of the car, you know, on our way here.

我们在来这儿的路上，车顶被刮掉了。

- It flew off the top of the car?

- 它从车顶飞出去了？

- Yeah.

-是的。

So, you know, it's just a lot of stuff that's been trying, but we're strong and we happy.

所以，你知道，尽管经历了很多考验，但我们依然坚强，并且幸福。

Yeah, so you know.

是的，你知道的。

(audience claps) - So whatcha you gonna do?

（观众鼓掌）- 那你打算怎么办？

What you gonna do sir?

先生，您打算怎么办？

- What am I gonna do?

- 我该怎么办？

I'm gonna make her mine.

我要让她成为我的人。

For real, like I know deep down love to be down I do want to be with this woman for sure.

说实话，我内心深处确实想和这个女人在一起，这一点毫无疑问。

I want her to have my kids.

我想让她为我生孩子。

- Ooh!

-哦！

- So we going make that happen, and I'm gonna put a ring on it and I'm gonna do what I have to do to commit to this woman because I don't want nobody else to have her.

所以我们要让这成为现实，我会给她戴上戒指，并做我必须做的事来向她承诺，因为我不想让任何人拥有她。

And I wanna have her for the rest of my life.

我想让她成为我余生的伴侣。

- See, here's the deal.

- 你看，事情是这样的。

Your question was how do you know?

你的问题是，你怎么知道？

- [Floyd] When.

- [弗洛伊德] 什么时候？

- When and she's the one.

- 当你遇到她，而她就是那个对的人时。

It's very simple.

这很简单。

If you can't breathe good when she ain't around, she the one.

如果她不在身边时你无法好好呼吸，那她就是对的人。

If you miss her, if you go somewhere and wish she had came, she the one.

如果你想念她，如果你去某个地方希望她能一起去，那她就是对的人。

That life for me, it ain't gonna be good without her.

对我来说，没有她的生活不会美好。

That's all you want.

这就是你想要的全部。

You just wanna be somebody's somebody.

你只想成为某个人心中的那个特别的人。

(audience claps) - Can we help them buy some clothes?

（观众鼓掌）- 我们能帮他们买些衣服吗？

- Can what?

- 什么能不能？

I knew you was going to, go ahead babe.

我知道你会做的，宝贝，继续吧。

Go ahead.

继续。

- So we gonna help you guys get back on your feet.

我们会帮助你们重新站起来。

We'll help you buy your clothes that you got lost.

我们会帮你买回你丢失的衣服。

(audience claps) - Where did I meet you.

（观众鼓掌）- 我是在哪里遇见你的。

The first time we met?

我们第一次见面？

- Memphis.

-孟菲斯。

- Where?

-哪里？

- At a comedy club.

在一家喜剧俱乐部。

- She came down front with her girlfriend.

- 她和她的女朋友一起来到前面。

When I saw her, I quit breathing.

当我看到她时，我屏住了呼吸。

- He stopped a show actually, and he just kept staring at me.

他竟然停下了节目，只是不停地盯着我看。

So now it's kind of awkward, 'cause it's a little bitty comedy club.

所以现在有点尴尬，因为那只是个小小的喜剧俱乐部。

- Hey, hey, wasn't that little!

嘿，嘿，那可真小！

(audience claps) - So he stayed quiet so long staring at me, now everybody in the club is looking at me.

（观众鼓掌）——他一直安静地盯着我看，现在俱乐部里的每个人都看着我。

And so he finally realized, "okay, I gotta say something." He was like, "oh, I'm sorry I don't know who this is, but I'm gonna marry her." (audience awws) But he didn't do it right then.

所以他终于意识到， “好吧，我得说点什么” 。他当时心想，“哦，对不起，我不知道你是谁，但我会娶她” 。（观众发出“啊” 的感叹声）但他并没有立即行动。

He should have!

他本该如此！

(audience cheers) He should have.

（观众欢呼）他本该如此。

He wasted a whole lot of time.

他浪费了大量时间。

(upbeat music) - All right, welcome back everybody.

（欢快的音乐）——好的，大家欢迎回来。

Look, I don't really spend a lot of time on the internet.

瞧，我其实不怎么花时间上网。

I really don't.

我真的不知道。

But my family usually fills me in on everything I need to know.

但我的家人通常会告诉我所有需要了解的事情。

Marjorie ran across a story that when I came home she wanted to tell me about it and then she wanted to share it with you all too.

玛乔里偶然发现了一个故事，她想在我回家时告诉我，然后也希望能与大家分享。

This is a segment we created called "This is the Way We Met." (happy chime music) (audience claps) So before we get started, please put your hands together for my chick, Marjorie.

这是我们制作的一个环节，叫做“我们相遇的方式”。（欢快的音乐声）（观众鼓掌）在我们开始之前，请大家为我的爱人玛乔里鼓掌欢迎。

(audience cheers) Yeah.

（观众欢呼）是的。

All right, so what you got, baby?

好的，宝贝，你有什么想说的？

- Well darling, you know I live for a good love story so well, there's an Instagram feed and also a website and it's called "The Way We Met, " that shares an endless amount of these types of love stories.

亲爱的，你知道我最爱听动人的爱情故事了。现在有个Instagram账号，还有一个网站，名字叫“我们相遇的方式”，专门分享无数这样美好的爱情故事。

So recently I came across a couple named Matt and Laura.

最近，我遇到了一对情侣，马特和劳拉。

Now they've only been married for two years, but their love story, it spans over decades.

虽然他们结婚才两年，但他们的爱情故事跨越了数十年。

- [Steve] Decades?

- [史蒂夫] 几十年？

- Decades.

-几十年。

So please welcome Matt and Laura right here.

欢迎马特和劳拉来到现场。

(audience claps) - Okay.

（观众鼓掌）- 好的。

- So Matt, tell us how you guys met.

- 所以马特，告诉我们在什么情况下你们认识的。

- Sure.

-确定。

So Laura was actually born in New Delhi, India in 1993, and her parents who were working over there at the time for the US government found her in an orphanage, and luckily they adopted her and brought her back to the United States and enrolled her in a preschool in Phoenix, Arizona where my parents had just enrolled me.

所以劳拉实际上是在1993年出生于印度的新德里，她的父母当时在美国政府工作，是在一个孤儿院找到了她，幸运的是他们收养了她，并把她带回了美国，在亚利桑那州的菲尼克斯的一所幼儿园给她报名，而我父母那时刚好也给我报了同一所幼儿园。

And so we met in preschool.

于是我们在幼儿园相遇了。

We don't remember the exact moment we met, there we are.

我们不记得确切的相遇时刻，但我们在一起了。

(audience awws) (audience claps) So I don't remember the exact moment we met, we just remember being really drawn to each other, and yeah, that's when our relationship was born, so.

（观众发出“啊”的感叹）（观众鼓掌）我不太记得我们相遇的确切时刻，只记得彼此深深吸引，是的，那一刻我们的关系便开始了。

- So Laura, you guys have stayed friends your entire life?

- 那么，劳拉，你们俩一生都是朋友吗？

- Our entire lives, yes.

- 我们的一生，是的。

- [Marjorie] Oh wow.

- [玛乔里] 哦，哇。

- Now Matt, what was it about her that stood out?

马特，是什么让她显得与众不同呢？

- You know, early?

- 你知道吗，很早以前？

In preschool.

在学前班。

- Yeah, well- - [Marjorie] Come on.

- 嗯，好吧- - [玛乔里] 快点。

- You know in preschool?

- 你知道幼儿园吗？

- You have to.

你必须这么做。

- We knew early on.

我们很早就知道了。

- Look at her.

- 看看她。

- I mean, I always drawn to her infectious energy even as a kid, she still has it now, but she's always had this fantastic smile.

- 我的意思是，我从小就对她那感染力十足的能量感到吸引，现在她依然拥有那种能量，但她一直都有一个很棒的微笑。

She's the happiest person I know.

她是我认识的最快乐的人。

The most sincere person I know.

我认识的最真诚的人。

- You shoulda have found me a little earlier.

你应该早点找到我的。

- I should have found you earlier?

- 我早该找到你的？

- Yeah, you should have found me a little earlier.

- 是啊，你应该早点找到我的。

- Yeah, but you know what's crazy though?

- 是的，但你知道什么很疯狂吗？

I did.

我做了。

'Cause she actually lived in Cleveland when I was there.

因为她当时确实住在克利夫兰，而我也在那里。

And you worked at a dry cleaners- - Yeah.

你在干洗店工作过——是的。

- On 123rd.

- 在第123街。

That was the dry cleaners that my family used to go to.

那是我家以前常去的那家干洗店。

I never met her.

我从未见过她。

- That was my cousin's dry cleaners.

那是我表哥的干洗店。

That was my summer job.

那是我的暑期工作。

- But I'm seven years older than her.

但我比她大七岁。

- I was 16!

- 我当时16岁！

- So that wouldn't have been good.

- 那样就不好了。

Now this is what I just found out.

现在这是我刚发现的。

You proposed to her in preschool?

你在幼儿园就向她求婚了？

- Yes, he did.

- 是的，他确实做了。

- That's right.

- 没错。

- We don't really remember like the time that he proposed, but he definitely did.

我们不太记得他求婚的具体时间了，但他确实求过婚。

And I told him we need to wait, we need to slow down.

我告诉他我们需要等待，需要放慢脚步。

This is too fast!

这太快了！

- Said we should wait until we get older.

- 说我们应该等到年纪大些再考虑。

- We should wait until we get a little bit older.

- 我们应该等到稍微再长大一点。

- We need to slow down.

- 我们需要放慢脚步。

We ain't got no money, we ain't got no job, we ain't got nowhere to stay.

我们没有钱，没有工作，也没有地方可住。

- Exactly.

-完全。

- We ain't got no car, we ain't got no driver's license, we don't have a social security card.

- 我们没有车，没有驾照，也没有社保卡。

- But you know right off that's the one.

- 但你知道那就是对的人。

So I took her advice and I waited a little bit longer, so.

所以我采纳了她的建议，多等了一会儿。

- Okay, I wanna introduce you to the woman behind this beautiful collection of love stories, "The Way We Met." Say hello to Brooklyn Sherman.

好的，我想向大家介绍这位美丽爱情故事集《我们相遇的方式》的幕后女性，来认识一下布鲁克林·谢尔曼。

(audience claps) Hi Brooklyn.

（观众鼓掌）嗨，布鲁克林。

- [Brooklyn] Hi.

- [布鲁克林] 嗨。

- So let me ask you a question.

让我问你个问题。

What made you create this website?

是什么促使你创建了这个网站？

- I think that we live in a world where there's a lot of heaviness in the news and around us, and as you can see, you know, by Laura and Matt how much joy their love story brought to the internet and to the world.

- 我认为我们生活在一个充满沉重新闻和周围环境的世界中，正如你可以从劳拉和马特的爱情故事中看到的，他们的爱情给互联网和世界带来了多少快乐。

You know, I just think there's so many amazing love stories just like that.

你知道，我就觉得有太多像这样的精彩爱情故事了。

And I think at the end of the day, the most important thing in this life is loving and being loved in return, so.

我认为，归根结底，人生中最重要的莫过于去爱并得到爱的回报，所以。

(audience claps) - And who doesn't love a good love story?

（观众鼓掌）——谁不喜欢一个美好的爱情故事呢？

- Thank you very much.

- 非常感谢。

That's really cool.

那真是太棒了。

(audience claps) I wanna say thanks to our amazing couple here.